You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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