I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
