In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
