My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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