I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
