my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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