You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
