can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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