is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
