fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
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omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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