There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
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Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
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