it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
