Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
