fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
