Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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