I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize