i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
