I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
