then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
