We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
