i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Randomize
