So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
