I think I won the penis lottery.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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