You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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