I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
