all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
