There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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