Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
