Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
