happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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