turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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