well I can't set my house on fire every night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
