I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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