Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
