Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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