My friends, they love my intelligence
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
