so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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