i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
