I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
