I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
