please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
