i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
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you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
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You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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