I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
