He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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