She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
