Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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