fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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