Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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