At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
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I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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