yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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