I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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