I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I did not marry a roomba.
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