Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
