getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
