i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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