i permit you to call me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
