Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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