youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
