i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
