I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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